Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a lying lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton!
When ol' Slick Willie availed himself of the Oval Office two decades ago, the above joke was inappropriate: at the time, poor Chelsea was a child of tender years and it would be unfair to make her the butt of jokes about her parents.
Twenty years on, it is fair to say that she has not wholly followed in her parents' footsteps. So far as we know, she hasn't lied to the American people under oath, been unfaithful to her spouse, or even been accused of fraud, embezzlement, or murder. To all appearances, Chelsea Clinton - or more properly, Mrs. Marc Mezvinsky - is a law-abiding and generally decent citizen.
Alas, that doesn't make her a particularly productive or intelligent one. Most of her "career" has been spent in the sort of high-status non-jobs you'd expect to find in the CV of close relatives of powerful Democrats, like board member of the School of American Ballet. Her attempts to dabble in journalism were too monumentally lacking in any interesting quality for even the Clinton-adoring media not to ridicule:
The problem is that she won’t talk about the one thing that makes her undeniably compelling. How did it feel to be Chelsea Clinton during the Monica years?
Ah yes, all the world awaits tales of the Clinton White House from an insider who had no political ax to grind at the time, being more concerned about makeup and cute Secret Service agents than healthcare and welfare reform. That truly would be interesting, and when Chelsea decides to talk about the past, no doubt she'll find an audience.
So when we heard that Chelsea was making observations about her family history, we eagerly anticipated the article. "Chelsea Clinton Tells All"? "Secrets from the Clinton White House"?
Well... not exactly. Life News reports:
New York, NY (CFAM) — From the stage at the recent Women Deliver conference, former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s daughter Chelsea revealed that her much-admired maternal grandmother was the child of unwed teenage parents who “did not have access to services that are so crucial that Planned Parenthood helps provide.”
Chelsea’s grandmother was born of an unintended pregnancy. And new research shows that her family is not alone in treasuring a person who – if Planned Parenthood had been successful – would not have been born. [emphasis added]
Let's get this straight. Four generations back, a teen-age girl did it without benefit of clergy, and the result was Hillary's mom. Alas, this long-dead fallen woman had the misfortune to live prior to the Supreme Court's stunning discovery of a right to abortion buried in the Constitution beyond the keen eyes of Madison and Jefferson, and was forced to let the child live. For this egregious violation of human rights, Chelsea Clinton is truly sorry.
It's impossible to say how our world would have changed had Hillary Clinton never been born, the unavoidable result of her own mother having been aborted in utero. Bill has a certain winning way about him all his own, and we can easily imagine him as a successful if shady used-car salesman or realtor beloved of the single ladies and bored housewives of his small rural Arkansan town.
But President? To reach the heights as he has done, it helps to have a highly intelligent, utterly ruthless, and totally amoral partner dedicated utterly to the pursuit of power both for him and for her.
Bill doesn't owe everything to Hillary any more than she to him; they truly were, as they originally ran way back in 1992, the ultimate political partnership. Take one away and the other would be left in the starting blocks. That's what their daughter Chelsea wishes had happened.
On second thought, our moral beliefs prevent us from following our baser instincts to agree with Chelsea's wish: we're convinced that unborn babies deserve the same opportunity to make their own mistakes in life that the rest of us get, even if those mistakes result in the creation of Hillary Clinton.
But we can't help but feel sorry for the poor little rich girl. What sort of horrific childhood must she have had to wish that her own mother had never even existed?
You know, maybe she really is telling all we need to know about the true reality of the Clinton White House.
Over the past five years, the editors have been secretly working on a book that summarizes the fundamental viewpoints of Scragged.